The latest Windows 7 ad campaign featuring people who wouldn’t appear in Apple ads claiming to be PC’s and coming up with the idea for Windows 7, is reporting making the Cult of Mac feel threatened. Hoodie wearing graphic designers in Park Slope have begun tiptoeing warily around the billboards while clutching their iMacs to their Arcade Fire t-shirts. While at first many Mac fans mistook the Windows 7 ads for some sort of ironic statement, the realization has slowly crept in that unlike the new Yahoo ads, these are not actually ironic statements about the eternal suffering of man, but real ads for a new Windows OS.

Worry has also been spreading through the transparent cubicles of Apple Electronics Inc Etc, as Apple’s top notch marketing department and font specialists try to figure out how to fight back and watch an entire season pass of Flight of the Conchords at the same time. “We’re completely okay with black people,” said Apple’s director of communications, Bryn Mawr grad Holly Whistleton. “And here at Apple we think they have their place, dancing around while wearing iPods. But when it comes to using Macs, that’s something it takes a sexually ambiguous twenty something Harvard dropout to do properly.”

Steve Jobs however is back at work and on the problem. While Apple has categorically refused to actual black people in the ads, a crack team of Apple’s top researchers buzzed on smart drinks is hard at work developing an alternative to black people. “We at Apple refuse to go along with the old concept of black people. We refuse to be satisfied with that,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “We want to develop Apple’s vision of what black people should be. Shinier, with Apple logos stamped on them and much more useful.” As his first move, Jobs put in a call to the KKK, whose shiny white uniforms match the Apple offices and product line so much better.

Personally I discovered Babylon 5 in a garbage can.

I was just in my front yard when I noticed an odd stench coming from a trash can. Curious I lifted the lid and behold, there was Babylon 5! At first I tried to pour pine scent on it to kill the smell but clearly Babylon 5 was rotting from the inside and the smell just wouldn’t die.

I tried to pick up Babylon 5 and throw it in my neighbor’s trash but it was slimy and slippery and I just couldn’t hold on to it. That morning I checked the garbage and the trash men had left it in the can, it seems that even the sanitation engineers couldn’t stand Babylon 5.

I was desperate and quickly running out of options. Finally it hit me, I took the can to a comic book store and instantly I was overwhelmed by hundreds of 5 foot 3 geeks covered in zits desperately fighting over Babylon 5. I held an auction and sold Babylon 5 to them for 18 dollars, 64 cents and 3 issues of Gorkman, Duck Killer. After that I sold them some old newspaper and a crate of spoiled eggs too that were in the can and that is how I discovered Babylon 5!

BinkBink.net

It has come to our attention that some of you pesky artists and photographers are upset by Uncle Howie Berman’s wonderful Orphan Works Act of 2008. Some of you are even running around and screaming like chickens with your heads cut off OH NOES CONGRESS IS PASSING A BILL TO DEPRIVE US OF OUR LEGAL RIGHTS. So stop that nonsense at once. Don’t you know that the only people allowed to engage in alarmist copyright hysteria about congressional bills belong to the EFF? Good.

Now here’s why Uncle Howie Berman’s bill is so wonderful for everyone including creative people. (For the purposes of this post creative people will be defined as anyone with an unlicensed copy of photoshop who reads BinkBink and enjoys turning advertisements from magazines into steampunk by pasting cut out pictures of gears on them, see BinkBink 1/08/38).

Orphan Works is a major problem for publishers who want to distribute a lot of content without actually paying their creators anything. Also occasionally it’s a problem for site publishers who want to use really cool stuff someone else made without having to go to the trouble of who made it and what their copyright status is. The Orphan Works Act of 2008 from Howard Berman will solve all those pesky problems with a magic wand, some gnomes and an elf.

There is absolutely no truth to the fact that a registry will be involved or that there is any such thing as the Orphan Works Act of 2008. This is all FUD spread by big rich artists with an agenda to frighten you into not paying attention to what BinkBink is telling you. Howie Berman has only your best interests at heart this time, except for the other 99 percent of the time where his bills involve calling for the installation of orbital space stations around the earth to drop meteors on file sharers (which we at BinkBink oppose). So ignore the FUD and stop worrying and learn to love not having any rights at all.

P.S. Copyright is not a right but a privilege. Ha Ha.

Link.

While web polls continue to show that not only is Ron Paul in the lead but that he has 135 percent of the vote, counting the Ukranian botnets, Ron Paul continues to struggle in real life polls. Unlike web polls, real life polls are harder to fake. Ron Paul’s Stormfront following did briefly unveil Operation Ron Paul, a a plan to seize the entire state of Rhode Island, confiscate all the phones and create a monopoly on polls for the state, this plan failed to come to fruition after a batch of tainted bear caused widespread diahrea among the entire Aryan Ron Paul Meetup Group.

Meanwhile polls of New Hampshire voters reveal that 5 out of 6 New Hampshire voters say Ron Paul reminds them of that creepy uncle who molested them when they were kids.

“Yeah sorta,” said Marylin Edmond, 32, “he really reminds me of Uncle Floyd. Uncle Floyd used to have this creepy smile too and he talked like he had just been huffing helium. Also he was against the government and he kept trying to get us down into his underground shack where he was going to wait out Armageddon.”

“The first time I saw him on TV, I said damn, that’s my dad’s bastard brother who molested us when we were kids,” said Earl Jenkins, 24, “then I heard his crazy accent and found out it was actually some nut from Texas named Ron Paul who wants to be President.”

Ron Paul’s campaign has had a mixed reaction to these results, insisting that the mainstream media had worked for years to create a negative reaction to Ron Paul’s eventual candidacy by portraying molesters as short men with creepy smiles and squeaky effeminate voices.

Meanwhile Ron Paul supporters spammed Digg in outrage over this turns of events blaming someone named “Ghouliani” and his priest for the whole thing.

“Look at the Constitution it doesn’t say anything there about Molesting,” wrote NaziGlueHuffersForPaul88, “the Founders intended this country to get away from all the Big Government stuffiness about molesting people. That’s the only laws that should exist. We can have all the guns we want, shoot all the minorities we want and molest all the kids we can kidnap at gunpoint. That’s why I’m voting for Ron Paul. Also he reminds me of my uncle. Man I had some great camping trips with my uncle!”

Vote Ron Paul.

If you’re like me, then you have probably woken up every morning with the burning question on your lips, how can I write like Stephen R. Donaldson. Why would you want to write like Stephen R. Donaldson? What a silly questions, for asking that you’ve obviously been neglecting your supply of magic mushrooms, because I’ll have you know that Stephen R. Donaldson was praised by the Village Voice. That’s right, THE Village Voice you ignorant mushroom deprived buffoon. So pay attention now.

The key to writing like Stephen R. Donaldson is three things.

First overwrought emoting. Over the top and borderline out of your mind is key.

Second, never use a 5 or 20 dollar word if a 50 dollar or 300 dollar word is available. If the word hasn’t been used in a few centuries, no one in this era has heard of it and it doesn’t exist, so much the better.

Third, avoid characters who behave with the faintest tinge of rationality or sanity.

Good, now we can begin as I show you how to translate your writing into the brilliantly magical writing of Stephen R. Donaldson.

You: “Jack was tired and he could barely hold himself together as he staggered over the rocky slope and into his bedroll. When he got up the next morning, he had cornflakes”

Stephen R. Donaldson: “The body of Jack ached with the striated pains and agonies of the multifold awareness of the terrors that had haunted his days and the tremors swelling within the rue haunted musculature of his worn frame. His feet, grizzled by the unwarranted threnody of their unaccustomed dimunition stumbled lonesomely across slate and shale beneath the ashen tinged torc of the hill. He was aware that his bedroll still scented with lavender and anise lay ahead of him but he no longer felt that he had the strength to reach it or the moral right to claim it. His frangible human form clamored for it with the strict insistence of fatigue and injury yet his mind rejected its cushioned wholeness with a rectitude born of his unwearing self-loathing that would not see his own refusal rebutted with a night’s rest. As body and mind warred, Jack could not seem to walk anymore, he crawled in a frenzied haze to a destination he did not know, certain that when he arrived there he would go mad or destroy the world with his barren arena of stratospheric guilt, whose demense was the demented confines of his own worry bred psyche. When he got up the next morning, he had cornflakes.”

Hello, my name is Andrew Ryan and I’m here to ask you a question, isn’t a man entitled to the sweat of his own brow?

No, says the man in Washington. It belongs to the poor. No, says the man in the Vatican. It belongs to God. No, says the man in Moscow. It belongs to everyone.

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose Ron Paul. I chose Ron Paul because only Ron Paul supports my personal ideas of liberty. I escaped the Soviet Union in search of freedom and in the face of a growing monolithic government, I saw the ideals of this once great nation become degraded by creeping socialism.

It got so bad that I felt that I had no choice but to escape and perhaps found some sort of underwater utopian society dedicated to absolute liberty. Until all my submarines get constructed though, I have decided to speak to you about the importance of supporting my candidate, Congressman Ron Paul. Like me, Ron Paul opposes the power of the Federal government which seeks to rob men of their honest toil and replace utility with a false benevolence.

The modern world was created by great men, men like Ron Paul, and the labor of those great men continues to be raided in order to support the parasitic needs of the weak and the indolent and the corrupt. And thus I give you Raptur… I mean Ron Paul.

Ron Paul is the only candidate who supports a vision of America that I can entirely identify with. First isolationism, we don’t need the world. All we need is a self-contained society that keeps outsiders away so we can all live happily ever after.

Second we must suspend all laws to permit anyone to do what they like, especially when it comes to supposedly immoral scientific research.

Thirdly, guns. All our problems can be corrected if we have vending machines with guns installed everywhere.

Therefore I Andrew Ryan confidently support Ron Paul for President believing that he will bring us to a glorious era of peace, liberty and prosperity.

Everyone knows about Ron Paul by now and if you don’t know who Ron Paul is, you probably have a life. And the main way that Ron Paul supporters meet to organize spamming campaigns and creepy orgies in each other’s padded basements is via Meetup Groups. Now presented here are the Top 10 Creepiest Ron Paul Meetup Groups.

10. Jay Leno Lookalikes for Ron Paul 2008 - Meetup Group

9. Al Ansar Martyrs Brigade for Ron Paul - Go Paul! - Meetup Group

8. Original Cast of “Charles in Charge” for Ron Paul (except Scott Baio) - Meetup Group

7. Saw iV / Ron Paul Alaska Campaign - Meetup Group

6. FEMA was Behind 9/11 for Ron Paul in ‘08 - Meetup Group

5. NaziGlueHuffersForRonPaul88 Meetup - Go PAUL!!!!! GO!!! - Meetup Group

4. Convicted Sex Offenders for that Cute Ron Paul guy - Meetup Group

3. Victims of Sharp Blows to the Head for Ron Paul in ‘03 - Meetup Group

2. Ron Paul is the Reincarnation of Jesus Christ on Earth - Meetup Group

1. Gitmo Convicts for Ron Paul (We Donated) - Meetup Group

As most people know everyone loves Forrest Gump. They love Forrest Gump because he represents the simple American virtues of mispronouncing basic words and having a naive and good hearted belief in human goodness. Ron Paul supporters try to pass Ron Paul off as a political Forrest Gump, a simple goodhearted man who wants to set Americans free of their oppressive government. And in many ways Ron Paul does resemble Forrest Gump, if Forrest Gump hated black people. Unfortunately for Ron Paul, Forrest Gump actually liked black people. This means that Forrest Gump is nothing like Ron Paul and would probably punch Ron Paul in the face if he were real. If Ron Paul were real that is. Even as a fictional character Forrest Gump is still more real than Ron Paul.

Now I’m not saying that Ron Paul is mildly retarded. There’s really no way of proving that just because Ron Paul speaks slowly, says a lot of stupid things and keeps on pretending that he doesn’t notice all the Neo-Nazis who are supporting his campaign. There could be many reasons why he acts like this. It could be because he’s mildly retarded. Also it could be because he’s a liar and just dimwitted. It’s hard to tell. I think the Ron Paul for President in 2008 campaign should tell people that he’s retarded as this would get them the sympathy vote. Also that time when Ron Paul said that 95 percent of black people are criminals wouldn’t be so bad, because people would just nod understandingly and say, “What can you expect from the boy, he’s just plain retarded.”

Overall I would vote for Forrest Gump before I would vote for Ron Paul because Forrest Gump’s foreign policy of playing ping pong and rescuing wounded soldiers makes more sense than Ron Paul’s foreign policy of stealing ideas from Noam Chomsky and using his magic powers to make terrorists leave us alone. Also Forrest Gump took care of a girl with AIDS. Ron Paul delivered one black baby and won’t shut up about it every time someone points out that he’s a big giant racist.

Some Ron Paul supporters will take issue with my supporting Forrest Gump over Ron Paul because he was retarded. I would like to point out that Forrest Gump is still smarter than every Ron Paul supporter. Ever. Combined.

How do I know this? Easy. Even Forrest Gump would never vote for Ron Paul.

Hey gang,

Me and some of the guys at the Nome Ron Paul Meetup Club had a great idea for how to promote Ron Paul. Ron Paul souhld be in the next Harry Potter novel which everyone is talking about. This is perfect because everyone is talking about Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows and everyone is also talking about Ron Paul.

Also Ron Paul battles evil just like Harry Potter and he’s a doctor who delivered babies which is kind of like a wizard because if you deliver babies badly, they die.

Anyway since J.K. Rowling used to work for Amnesty International I’m sure she would support Ron Paul’s plan to end the War in Iraq and allow states to shoot as many endangered species as they want. So it’s probably not too late for her to write Dr. Paul into the next Harry Potter novel. Maybe Ron Paul could be a wizard who teaches Harry Potter about the dangers of a centralized government or has Voldemort control the Federal Reserve. Anyway these are just some of the great ideas we came up with to help make Ron Paul our next President.

Sincerely yours

Jensen VanNutHaus
{Treasurer of Nomans for Paul)

Ron Paul’s campaign has always been innovative and it’s clear from this great campaign theme song he’s chosen that this is one candidate who really gets “it” (whatever it is) and this campaign theme song is bound to catch fire into the hearts of infidels everywhere and convert them to the true cause of Paul. And I think we can all agree that this theme song really sums up what Ron Paul and the Ron Paul for President campaign is all about.

And now here it is ladies and gentlefreaks, the Ron Paul Campaign Theme song.

Keep on Spamming the Free World

There’s spammers on the digital street
mouse clicking till they’re blue
clicking submit with their feet
not resting till they’re through
But there’s a warnin’ sign on the road ahead
If we don’t elect Ron Paul then we’re better off dead
But iffen I was gone vote for a crazy Texas midget
I’d have voted for Ross Perot

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

I see the same three posts next night
already dug three hundred times
and then finally by morning light
submitted again by the same four guys
Now they put the post away and dig up an old interview
and submit it once again cause they’ve got nothing else to do
They hate their lives and what they done to them
They think Ron Paul will save the world, they think he’s really cool
But the primaries about to come, will really take them to school

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

We got a thousand spammers working all night
all crazy homeless men
We got a kinder, gentler
White supremacist candidate man
We got pee bottles for Ron Paul
And pep pills to spam for him
He’s a man of the people, says keep hope alive
Got bandwidth to burn and traffic to drive

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

Vote Ross Perot!

Michael Bay’s crazed robot car toy project, Transformers, managed to tap into the nostalgia of twenty something still holding on to their non-sexual crush on Optimus Prime from back before they discovered girls and the love all little kids still hold for giant robots smashing stuff while doing cool things to score a 152 million opening beating out The Passion for the largest non-sequel opening.

Frankly it was never much of a competition. The Transformers boasted massive and incredible powers as well as being very tall. Jesus is generally to have been under 6 feet tall. Considering the average height ratio of adult males in the middle east, he was probably closer to 5 feet tall. No match at all for the giant scale of the transformers and decepticons.

While legend claims that Jesus could transform water into wine and this no doubt made a great party trick, it proved utterly useless when combating giant robots which could transform into cars, either one being enough to utterly defeat Jesus. Doing tricks with fish and wine and oil was fine if you were amusing the locals a few thousand years back and sure impressed people whose biggest goals in life involved getting as much fish, wine and soil as they could (these three being the staples of their diet) but they could not even begin to match the awesome destructive capabilities of the Transformers.

The Transformers continue to live on today as a symbol for not giving up when something happened to whatever planet they were originally from and also displaying utterly pointless abilities to transform into vastly inferior machines such as cars. Jesus continues to live on as a symbol for being a giant wuss whose powers of fish, oil and wine summoning proved to be no match at all even for the soldiers of the barbarian Roman empire, never mind the advanced technology of the Transformers.

Ever since I began posting about Ron Paul I’ve had plenty of enthusiastic and angry responses from the devoted slaves of Ron Paul. Why do my negative posts about Obama not produce the same shrill hysterical responses from Obamaniacs? Maybe because they take their medication every once in a while. Maybe they’re too busy making phony videos about their candidate to bother spamming Digg but who knows. Any way in the interests of fairness, I’m giving equal or unequal time to a Ron Paul supporter to respond. Fire away.

Why Ron Paul Rocks by Vox Dey: A Populist Libertarian Shaved Headed Voice for Stuff

by Vox Dey

RON PAUL
RON PAUL
RON PAUL.

RON PAUL is the only true CONSERVATIVE and LIBERAL in this race! That’s why everyone is afraid of RON PAUL. Only RON PAUL can stop the GAY ABORTION in our SCHOOLS. The fatcats in Washington D.C. eating human babies and burying their remains in lime are AFRAID OF RON PAUL. They know Ron PAUL will vote against all their spending bills. CFR and the Federal Reserve Bank of America and ZOG and the people running the country with their Northern banks and their negro leagues of DOOM know that RON PAUL is the only friend of the working man.

RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!

America is drowning in a tidal wave of Mexicans and Federal spending. Our borders are open. The AMERO highway is coming and millions of MEXICAN TRUCKS will be driving through the highways of AMERICa to CANADa unless RON PAUL does something about it. Do you want MEXICAN TRUCKS driving through your house, through the rooms where your babies sleep and you and your wife make SWEET CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL LOVE just like JESUS would? RON PAUL!

RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!

Only RON PAUL can keep MEXICAN TRUCKS and their GAYS out of America’s bedrooms and public schools. Every PRESIDENT since LINCOLN has been a traitor to the CONSTITUTION handing out ABORTIONS like CANDY and turning AMERICA into the diseased PROSTITUTE of the NEW WORLD ORDER.

RON PAUL!

AMERICA needs RON PAUL! AMERICA is dying for Ron Paul. RON PAUL is this nation’s only hope. Millions of people have endorsed RON PAUL. JON STEWART has interviewed RON PAUL. JESUS would vote for RON PAUL. RON PAUL killed STEVE GILLARD. ILYKA DAMEN stopped blogging because of RON PAUL RON PAUL can make butterflies come out of your nose every time you SNEEZE.

RON PAUL?
RON PAUL?
RON PAUL?

Freemen of AMERICA, we have a choice. We can elect Ron Paul or live as SLAVES under our new Mexican overlords and their big rig trucks. Do you want your kids learning about GAY ABORTION from them? Do you want your kids getting married to Ted Kennedy in Massachusetts and aborting his babies? Do you? BUSH’S ANtichrist America is a Communist Dictatorship where he can assume power just by destroying the ENTIRE EASTERN SEALBOARD. IT’S time to retake AMERICA. It’s time to VOTE RON PAUL!!!!!!

Visit RonPaulDiggSpam2008.com

The preceding has been a rebuttal from a Ron Paul supporter. Remember only you can stop your kids from learning about gay abortion from Mexican trucks. So Vote Ron Paul or sober up and vote a real candidate. And don’t send me your angry threats. As a charter member of the Council on Foreign Relations, I can make one phone call and send 6 FBI ATF agents to break down your door in the middle of the night and shove Bananas down your pants just because I say so.

Addressing a concern that has lingered since the device was introduced in January, Apple announced that it has improved the battery life of the iPhone to deliver up to 8 seconds of talk time and 10 seconds of stand-by time.

“Finally users of the iPhone can look up to as much as 8 seconds of talk time, or possibly less than 5 seconds in cold weather,” Steve Jobs announced, “8 seconds talk time is more than most leading phones get during a fire, earthquake or when falling into a black hole. With the newly improved battery life, you can now use your iPhone to call for help as long as your call for help doesn’t take more than eight seconds.”

Apple fungineers had improved the iPhone’s talk time by cutting down on some power draining features, including the phone’s constantly rotating video logo of Steve Jobs’ head casting out a reality distortion field that encourages you to buy Apple TV and the built in greek chorus that echoes your conversations three times after each sentence. Also gone is the ability to use the iPhone as a detonator, bug zapper and it will no longer come with a toolbar that uses the Safari browser to send you messages from the devil.

At the National Press Club in Washington D.C., underdog GOP Presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul unveiled his new energy plan to end dependency on foreign oil.

“For decades our middle east policy has become dependent on our demand and need for foreign oil which has caused all sorts of conflicts,” Dr. Ron Paul said, speaking carefully into the microphone. “Today as a Doctor I have used my scientific expertise poking around women’s nether regions to solve our energy problem.

“The United States government has been hoarding alien spacecraft in Area 51. I have learned from reliable sources such as George Noory’s Coast to Coast, Prison Planet and one of my campaign volunteers, Steve431 that these spacecraft are powered by quantum drives capable of harnessing the energy at the heart of the universe. Yet instead of employing this powerful technology to solve our national energy problem, the Federal government has instead been unconstitutionally hoarding them for the purposes of making war on behalf of the Zionists Empire.”

Saying this, Ron Paul paused and reached into his briefcase and withdrew an aluminum foil draped bicycle helmet with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on it.

“It is blatantly unconstitutional for the Federal government to be hoarding a spacecraft that is the rightful property of the State of Nevada where it first landed and then used for proper purposes, such as powering a 300 mile high electric fence with Mexico to keep those Mexicanians outside our borders and keeping the other inferior races in line too,” Dr. Ron Paul continued, “with the power of alien drives we can finally achieve our dream mexican-free paradise and give us unlimited energy to keep the aliens off our backs too.”

10. The White House has special material in its beams that keeps KGB mind rays from getting through the walls.

9. Being an eccentric Texas politician isn’t enough unless you actually make it to the White House. Just ask LBJ.

8. Al Queda wouldn’t have attacked us on September 11th if Ron Paul had been president or so says Ron Paul. Al Queda says nothing, they’re too busy being bombed.

7. Ron Paul’s hand puppet wants him to and Ron Paul always listens to his hand puppet. But he’s no puppet himself. No siree.

6. Ron Paul takes him orders from the Bilderbergers and when the Bildenbergers tell you to run, son you better run.

5. Ron Paul is a robot sent back from the future to save mankind from itself. Unfortunately he’s become defective since then and now all he wants is to build the world’s largest mountain made of vanilla ice cream.

4. It’s all about the honeys. There’s nothing like running for President on an extremist platform to get the protest babes to like you.

3. Dennis Kucinich put him up to it.

2. Money. Money. Money.

1. He’s out of his freaking mind.

Titanic 1999

Act 1 - Narrator speaks

Picture of Atomic detonation

Narrator: For centuries mankind feared that the end would come. Some believed that life would be destroyed by atomic fire, some believed we would be buried under a new flood or perish in a new ice age. Instead the end came, …through a movie.

Shot of Titanic poster

Narrator: 6 months after the movie Titanic was released it had broken all box office records and still remained int the two five movies at the box office. By that point the movie itself as well as the merchandising had earned well over 9 billion dollars. Using his share of the money its director and a network of Scientology contacts James Cameron founded a cult named Titanic. By the year 1999 the Titanic cult had outstripped every major religion on the planet and governments began waking up to the danger…

Shot of government troops storming a showing of Titanic

Narrator: China, Singapore and Iran were the first to ban the movie and criminalize possesion of Titanic merchandise and memorabilia. In Saudia Arabia U.S. troops were called in to assist in blockading movie theathers showing Titanic in what came to be called “Operation: Cameron Storm.” Doctors in Oslo frantically sought a cure for Titanic addicts many of whom had seen the movie thousands of times. In the United States Titanic was classified as controlled substance and Titanic Dealers sprang up in every major city in the United States.

Shot of tunnels with men and women in black hooded robes holding candles around photos of Leonardo DeCaprio and James Cameron.

Narrator: Nevertheless the Titanic cult only continued to grow. Like the early Christians followers they continued to meet in hidden underground caverns and watched bootleg videotapes of Titanic while chanting phrases from the movie and holding minutes of silence for the victims of the Titanic.

Shot of James Cameron at a press conference

Narrator: In the middle of all the chaos James Cameron announced a press conference on the subject of Titanic. It was covered by every major and minor media outlet in the world. As Cameron stepped onto the stage his words were instantly beamed to over 4 billion people all over the planet. In their hiding places the Titanic followers too waited for a command from their leader.

James Cameron: Lately a lot of people have been whining about the Titanic. Hatefull little men have spilled their cynical bile onto my masterpiece.

He paused.

James Cameron: They should be shot.

Shots of riots and massacres all over the world. Parents who attempt to pry their children away from Titanic are butchered in their sleep by the little ones. Police barricades are overun and men, women and children are executed in front of posters of Titanic. Governments fall and mobs tear to pieces anyone found watching anything other than Titanic. Above the noise “My love will go in” is played.

Narrator: The bloodshed was hideous. Millions were massacres in the name of Titanic and there were few families left that had not lost someone in the rioting. The old governments were removed and in their places came a new planetary theocracy dedicated to the worship of Titanic with James Cameron as its absolute ruler. Museums of the Holocaust and Slavery were torn down all over the world to make room for Titanic Museums. All other movies were burned and often their owners as well. All books unrelated to the Titanic were banned so that authors writing any new works were forced to insert refferences to the Titanic in them.

Shots of the brand new Titanic Square Garden, Titanic Memorial and Titanic National Park.

Narrator: Squads of teenage Titanic devotees known as The Cameron Guard scoured the neighborhoods searching for contraband materials. In the new Titanic Public Schools the next generation was taught to turn in parents who dared to watch Casablanca, E.T. or My Left Foot and as his first public act James Cameron declared the offical torutre and mutilation of Kenneth Turin in public broadcast live over TitanicVision. ™ …And so the nightmare began.

Act 2 - A squalid urban apartment spattered with posters of Titanic and its actors. A TV set with no off button is showing part of a four hour speech by James Cameron. A badly dressed couple is huddled as far away from the TV set as they can get.

James Cameron: and so that was when I had my toe fungus removed. Please observe a minute of silence for my toe fungus…

Stella: Mikey please can’t we turn this down.

Mike: You know we can’t Stella, if we get caught it’s the TitanicCamps ™ for us, for sure.

Stella: But I can’t take it anymore, sometimes I wake up in my sleep and I dream that I’m going down on the Titanic while Celine Dion is chasing me with an ax.

Mike: We have to keep going. Life is hard these days, we have no food, clean water or medicine but Titanic is rereleased every year with new and improved special effects so at least all our money is going somewhere.

Stella: But…but

Mike: What is it honey,

Stella: I’m sick of Titanic allready. Sure I liked it when it came out but after living for forty years under a TitanicDictatorship ™ with nothing else on TV but interviews with James Cameron and scenes from the making of Titanic and nothing to read but more true stories from Titanic survivors and Part 87 of “I’m King of the World: The Autobiography of James Cameron, Savior of the Human race.”

Mike: Don’t say that Stella. Members of the Cameron guard are everywhere. If you get caught they send you to a TitanicReeducation camp. Old Joe from down the block got sent to one of those places and when he got out all he could say was “Jump, Rose, Jump.”

Stella: But I can’t keep living like this. What about our future. I want to get married someday before I’m in my 50s.

Mike: Stella honey, you know we’re not allowed to marry. It would defile the tradition set by Saint Rose and Saint Jack who never married or planned for a future together but simply had a glorious one night stand that lasted for the rest of her blessed life.

Stella: Yeah, yeah I know we’re all supposed to be the brides of Leo and not meant to be defiled by physical contact with any other man…but sometimes, just sometimes…

Mike: I know dariling, I know

James Cameron: …and that’s when someone put PCP in my food and I completely rewrote the script for Titanic. At that stoned moment like a firefly rushing to the mating dance of infinite love, I achieved a higher level of conciousness. That is why I say that my script from Titanic was dictated to me by no other than God himself…

Act 3 - A Communion service, a Catholic priest hands out TitanicWafers ™ in the church aisle.

Priest: This is the blood, bone and life of Leonardo DeCaprio, eat of it and live.

Mike (to next in line Guy): How much longer is the TitanicEuchrist ™ going to take ?

Guy: I don’t know, I’ve been waiting all morning. Blessed be Saint Jack and Saint Rose.

Mike: Okay I’ll go to TitanicConfession(TM) then. Praise Leo.

TitanicConffesionalBooth ™

Priest #2: Have you commited any sins my son ?

Mike: Yes, I took the name of James Cameron in vain when I hurt my arm working at the TitanicInsuraceCompany ™, I contemplated physical relations with the one night stand with whom I’ve been with for thirty years and I had thoughts about a banned movie called The Odd Couple.

Priest #2: Is that all ?

Mike: No Father, I also laughed at a joke about Leo Christ ™, the second coming of Christ.

Priest #2: What was the joke ?

Mike: Doc at the office said, “If we have to worship an actor as a God, shouldn’t we worship one that’s actually out of puberty ?”

Priest #2 “Blasphemy, this Doc is a well known free thinker and LeoDenier he will be sent to the TitanicReeducationCamps ™ where he will be brought over to the side of the Titanic.

Mike: I understand Father

Priest #2: These are grevious sins my child, you must watch the Blessed Titanic 12 times and recite chapter 6, 80 and 437 from James Cameron’s autibiography and pray that the martyrs of the Titanic will forgive you for your sins. Keep away from the influence of the accursed Anti-Cameron, Satan…Kenneth Turin. That is all.”

Mike steps out of the TitanicConfessional ™ reciting passages from Chapter 6, “The Diapering of a Legend.”

Mike: Even as a child I knew that I would go on to make Titanic and it was while my diapers were being changed that I first got the idea that served as the basis for “Titanic”, it had been a long day and I had eaten much applesauce which fluttered inside my youthfull stomach like fruity caterpillars sinking into the glorious coocon of the digestive system where they are transformed into the butterflies of fecal matter, and so too Titanic…

Mike bumps into the Guy

Mike: Pardon me, I was occupied studying the early years of the TitanicProphet ™ and so did not notice you

Guy: You can stop talking like you’re on the Titanic. I’m not with the Cameron Guard.

Mike: I’m just tried, please don’t report me.

Guy: I’m not going to report you, have you heard of Kenneth Turin.

Mike: You mean the Anti-Cameron who was jealous of the accomplishment of the great Cameron and attempted to challenge Titanic and was cast down for his sins.

Guy: Those are all lies. Here, read this Article #1 and this Article #2 . Hide it quickly and read it at home and you'’ find out to the real truth about Titanic.

Act 4- Mike and Stella’s apartment. Stella is cooking, Mike and Guy enters.

Mike: Stella I want you to meet someone. This man has opened my eyes to the truth. Let’s get married, let’s be together for the rest of our lives.

Stella: Really, you mean that.

Mike: These articles I’ve read have changed my life. They’re by Kenneth Turin.

Stella: Not the Anti-Cameron himself. Supposedly he died long ago.

Mike: That’s what they wanted us to believe.

Stella: Than it’s all a lie and we can finally be free. I can’t wait to tell everyone. Titanic is a lousy movie !

James Cameron (on TV): Yes as a matter of fact I do see everything. Like the beady eyed hawk floating high in the stratosphere I look out into the eyes of every citizens and with the use of the latest TitanicAnti-Treason ™ technology detect those in need of reeducation.

Interviewer: This is fascinating

James Cameron: Well I am King of the World…right now Mike and Stella Roth are comitting treason. They have consosrted with James Turin and they must pay the price. Praise Saint Rose and the martyrs of the Titanic.

Mike: How did he know…

Guy: Because I’m really with The Cameron Guard and you’re under arrest.

Act 5 - A TitanicPrisonCamp ™ Movie Theather. A dark sparse arena full of men with shaved heads in striped uniforms seated under fading yellow light bulbs. An announcer stands near the white cloth screen with a iron bullhorn.

Announcer: Tonight’s presentation of Titanic is brought to you by Titanic in TitanicVision. Praise Leo…but first welcome to Sixty Seconds of Hate.

A picture of Kenneth Turin is shown on the screen.

Announcer: Behold the Anti-Cameron, hate him, revile him.

The audience goes nuts throwing bottle shards and jagged rocks at the screen which stike a glass guard and fall back.

Announcer: I see Mike in the back row is not taking part in the sixty seconds of hate…he needs more reeducation.

Act 7 - A tiny chamber. A starved guant looking Mike is seated, strapped into a metallic chair, his eyes forced open watching Titanic. He looks as if he has been here for many days. Guy stands watching him.

Mike: No I, can’t, take it anymore. I know the truth, someone must know the truth…this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

Guy: and how do you know that, are you a movie critic. How do you have the arrogance to challenge a movie which is bigger than Jesus, literaily.

Mike: I just know, it’s a bad movie. I mean listen to the dialouge. No one actually talks like that.

Guy: and the whole Picasso thing is stupid isn’t it. I mean it’s a cheap ploy by a stupid man meant for an audience of sheep.

Mike: Yes of course, that’s what I’ve been saying all along.

Guy: But don’t you see that doesn’t matter. So what if you’re right, what’s the point of being right if no one agrees with you. Everyone likes Titanic, so go along with them.

Mike: But it’s just such a bad movie. Can’t we form a society around something other than Titanic.

Guy: So you want to be a non-conformist.

Mike: Yes, that’s exactly what I want to be.

Guy: Well much as you would enjoy playing the cynical critic, the know it all who looks down on society. We can’t allow that. Everything you know and believe must be subservient to Titanic because the emperor has no clothes. Titanic’s success from the moment that it was released depended on a mass reaction, a lemming like rush that no one dares questions. Once one man challenges that and points out that the emperor has no clothes than the slide downward begins.

Mike: Good, let it begin

Guy: I’m afraid not. You will be reeducated. Everything you are will become once again subservient to Titanic. You will go and see it over and over again and applaud frantically like the rest of the sheep and count the moments until you can go to see Titanic again. You will win the victory over yourself and learn to love Titanic.

Mike: You’ll never succeed !

Guy: Why not, what do you have that can withstand Titanic. Stella ? I think not.

Mike: We’ll see

Guy: Yes, we will. Here is chapter 1 from Part 603 of James Cameron’s autobiography…”I flew with the wings of pigs over the rapid embankment of the soul, my lullabyes beat like a herd of frozen love, I knew than than the circles were broken, that the last gallons of water had found their mossy glass Napoleon and I was alone and trapped in the paper trail of empty days. O sorrow me the lost of things so stolen, without hygenic martyrs we'’ll never see the day,,,”

Mike: No, read it to Stella and not to me ! READ IT TO STELLA !!!!

Guy: Yes, we’ve seen.

Act 8 - A much older Mike walks down the street past dozens of movie theathers with lines crowded around them going for blocks. They are all showing Titanic. He walks up to the ticket booth and says…

Mike: Jump, Rose, Jump.

The clerk hands him a ticket. He goes in and takes a seat. The previews for Titanic are played first and than several minutes of music from radio stations playing songs from Titanic or songs about Titanic.

The movie begins and he watches it intently to the last minute at which point he starts crying. It had taken him forty years to learn what kind of romantic power and drama this movie had. O Titanic. O cruel needless misunderstanding. O cynical arrogance that had kept him from seeing all this. Two tears trickle down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right. He had won the battle over himself. Mike has finally learned to Love Titanic.

(He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden underneath the dark mustache. O cruel needless misunderstanding. O stubborn self-willed exile from the loving breast. Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right. He had finally won the battle over himself. He loved Big Brother. - The ending of George Orwell’s 1984)

Act 9 - A backlot alley, a grime smeared kid is playing with the wreck of an ancient looking portable TV/VCR combo. He presses a button and suddenly an image appears on the screen. A young man in dusty white clothes is standing with white binoculars raised into the sky looking up…

The kid rewinds the tape and words begin to move slowly towards the apex of the screen.

Video: A long time ago in a place far, far away…

The End

Researchers at the Ron Paul Institute for Polling report that support for maverick Republican candidate Ron Paul is growing incrementally by the minute.

“By our calculations, based on web polls, technocrati and Digg, twelve million people supported Ron Paul for President last week,” said Jeff Renseley of the organization, Bazooka Owners for Ron Paul, “by this Sunday, already 80 million people supported Ron Paul. By Monday that number has gone all the way up to 700 million. Using our pocket calculators, we believe that gives Ron Paul enough votes to win the New Hampshire primary.”

While phone polls continue to show that support for Ron Paul lies somewhere between the average support for another run by Ralph Nader, the return of New Coke and an incontinent goat; web polls report that Ron Paul has picked up the support of much of the solar system.

“Today I am proud to report that Ron Paul has the support of the entire population of the earth and parts of Mars and Venus,” Jack Bobster the III, Chairman of The New Confederacy reported in a speech at the Texas Memorial Lugers Association. “While the mainstream media continues to suppress the reports of allegiance coming to Ron Paul from Alpha Centauri, the NWO Media can’t hide the truth for much longer.”

An official release attempted to explain the discrepancy between the real polls and the web polls by pointing out that most Ron Paul supporters are actually homeless people with text messaging and internet access.

“Ron Paul enjoys the support of the youth vote. Millions of 2 year olds who continue to be unrepresented in the mainstream media have enthusiastically declared their support for Ron Paul,” the press release stated. “Even though these babies are not counted in official media polls, they have expressed their desire not to die in another ZOG war for oil and human brains.”

Meanwhile in actual door to door polling in New Hampshire, Ron Paul supporters with some difficulty located one man who had heard of Ron Paul.

“Ron Paul? Ron Paul?” said Paul Codgers, a sprightly octogenarian, “you tell that little punk the next time he delivers my groceries late, I’ll beat him with my cane.”

Ron Paul supporters shrugged and decided to count him as three billion people.

Rosie O’Donnell Announces Plan to Replace Paul Newman

After leaving The View and hearing of Paul Newman’s plan to retire permanently from acting, Rosie O’Donnell has announced her own plan to replace Paul Newman.

“I love Paul Newman, I love salad dressing, I love Tom Cruise and Osama bin Laden,” Rosie O’Donnell announced via her spokesman, a giant toy muppet, “I want to be the new Paul Newman. The old Paul Newman is old and smells like smelly cheese. As a lesbian-american, I can bring a whole new approach to being Paul Newman.”

As part of her proposal to be the new Paul Newman, Rosie O’Donnell has announced plans for a remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid standing her and Ellen DeGeneres. Unfortunately however Paul Newman does not appear to be receptive to her idea.

“There’s only one Paul Newman and I’m him,” Paul Newman said, “see this here picture of me on my Newman’s own salad, it’s me. Shows me on it not some crazy fat broad. I’ll stab her with my pitchfork I will, if she tries to be me.”

In response Rosie penned a possibly heartbroken or just very confused poem on her blog.

me sad ness
feel daun
picklesized tears gatther in
eye

Vermont - The first Church of Ronald Allen Paul opened its doors today. The building, formerly a slaughterhouse for diseased goats, has been remodeled with a coat of white paint, black horned pews from an abandoned Satanist Church and a giant portrait of Ron Paul hanging overhead and gazing blankly at his followers.

“Welcome ye all,” proclaimed Earl Tibbons, pastor of the Church of Ron Paul, “I bless you all in the name of Ron Paul, the only man who can save this earth. Ron Paul is our savior. Ron Paul is our light. Ron Paul is our reason for being on the internet. In Ron Paul we live. In Ron Paul we are redeemed. In Ron Paul we are saved.”

“Amen,” replied the congregation of assorted bums, crazed ex-Mormons, former members of the Libertarian Party and a sprinkling of remaining diseased goats which bleated enthusiastically.

“And yea it was the seventh year of the second millennium when Ron Paul emerged from the skies aboard a business class seat on JetBlue to save us.”

“Amen. Baaaah,” were the replies.

After this followed the ceremonial communion with each Ron Paul worshiper accepting a piece of SPAM on his tongue washed down by Pabst.

Later in a private interview in his office, Pastor Tibbons relaxed with a cup of fermented diseased goat’s milk and talked about his original inspiration for the Church of Ronald Allen Paul.

“So it was before the primaries and we released that we were spending all our time on the internet writing about Ron Paul, promoting Ron Paul, spamming polls for Ron Paul, digging posts on Ron Paul and mortgaging our trailer homes for Ron Paul,” Pastor Tibbons said. “After Ron Paul got killed in the primaries, we decided that we didn’t want those great times to end and since we had already dedicated our lives to Ron Paul, we decided to make it official by building a church to Ron Paul as our lord and savior.”

Ron Paul’s precise position on the church dedicated to him is unclear. After being contacted on the phone, Ron Paul insisted on being referred to as Dr. Ron Paul and mumbled something incoherent about, “federal power,” “false flag” and “divestment incorporation”, before he hung up. Nevertheless his devoted worshipers more than make up for their savior’s halting mumbling incoherence.

“Mankind rejected Ron Paul once. They crucified him on a cross of polls! FOX News and MSNBC hammered in the nails. But I tell you that Ron Paul will come again. If not in 2012, then in 2016. If not in 2016, then in 2020 or 2024, if he doesn’t develop severe congestive toe fungus by then. Yea I have faith that the day of Ron Paul will come again like a mumbling conspiracy theorist with aluminum foil on his head in the night. Amen. Amen and watch out for the Black Helicopters!”

Beating out such luminaries as Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Gandhi, Shakespeare and Winston Churchill, Ron Paul has emerged the winner, voted as the great man in human history. MSNBC shortly thereafter nullified the results claiming that the web poll had been spammed and declaring Albert Einstein the winner.

Quickly the Ron Paul forums were ablaze with outrage.

“This is FUD. Fear Uncertainty Doubt. They can’t admit that most people believe Ron Paul is the greatest man in human history so they have to hide behind lies about spamming,” wrote Macrox354

“Albert Einstein? Who the f___ is Albert Einstein. He built an atom bomb while Ron Paul believes in peace. How dare MSNBC replace the great Ron Paul with some chickenhawk egghead who wanted us to fight an illegal war against Hitler,” wrote John_Death189

“ZOG at work. They got the blacks together and the Asians to try and block Ron Paul but the white race will win anyway. White Power!” wrote 88Itler88

A petition was promptly put together demanding the removal of Albert Einstein and his replacement with Ron Paul. A second petition was then put together by a group that split from the first group demanding the return of Ron Paul and the execution of Albert Einstein.

“Ron Paul is the only man who can save the world. With his magic powers, he can boil the oceans and teach chickens to read sanskrit. It’s an outrageous that some Hindu is considered in second place while Ron Paul is banished entirely!!!!!!” wrote GRSM-NO-NWO.