After another disastrous season, the Mets organization announced that it had made the painful but necessary decision to give up on sucking at Baseball and branch out into sucking at other sports.

“We’ve tried baseball and given it our best shot,” said Mets General Manager Omar Minaya. “For fifty years we’ve been trying to fill in for the Dodgers and the Giants and it just isn’t working anymore. Sure we’ve had our high points, but these days baseball is all about buying Japanese-Cuban players nurtured from birth on huge amounts of steroids and then paying them two hundred billion dollars on a ten year contract only to have them call in with a knee injury. And the Mets just can’t compete.

The Mets however are not giving up. The current plan is to take the Mets roster, made up of boat people on steroids and Daryl Strawberry, and explore sucking at other sports, including Mets ice hockey, Mets football, Mets urban soccer and Mets curling.

“We don’t know what the future will bring for us,” Minaya said, “oh wait we do, certain failure and defeat. But by switching sports unexpectedly we can keep the fans interested and unaware that we’re doomed to suck at anything we do that involves a ball of any kind. But until Queens sinks into the ocean, we’re still going to have loyal and completely clueless fans.”

The latest Windows 7 ad campaign featuring people who wouldn’t appear in Apple ads claiming to be PC’s and coming up with the idea for Windows 7, is reporting making the Cult of Mac feel threatened. Hoodie wearing graphic designers in Park Slope have begun tiptoeing warily around the billboards while clutching their iMacs to their Arcade Fire t-shirts. While at first many Mac fans mistook the Windows 7 ads for some sort of ironic statement, the realization has slowly crept in that unlike the new Yahoo ads, these are not actually ironic statements about the eternal suffering of man, but real ads for a new Windows OS.

Worry has also been spreading through the transparent cubicles of Apple Electronics Inc Etc, as Apple’s top notch marketing department and font specialists try to figure out how to fight back and watch an entire season pass of Flight of the Conchords at the same time. “We’re completely okay with black people,” said Apple’s director of communications, Bryn Mawr grad Holly Whistleton. “And here at Apple we think they have their place, dancing around while wearing iPods. But when it comes to using Macs, that’s something it takes a sexually ambiguous twenty something Harvard dropout to do properly.”

Steve Jobs however is back at work and on the problem. While Apple has categorically refused to actual black people in the ads, a crack team of Apple’s top researchers buzzed on smart drinks is hard at work developing an alternative to black people. “We at Apple refuse to go along with the old concept of black people. We refuse to be satisfied with that,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “We want to develop Apple’s vision of what black people should be. Shinier, with Apple logos stamped on them and much more useful.” As his first move, Jobs put in a call to the KKK, whose shiny white uniforms match the Apple offices and product line so much better.

Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson have brought you such fascinating backstory prequel tales of Dune, before you cared about Dune, with novels such as “Paul of Dune”, “The Road to Dune”, “The Sandworms of Dune”, and “The Winds of Dune”. Now finally comes the Dune novel you have all been waiting for that explores Dune at its most elemental element, its dunes. Its dunes of sand. Its sand dunes. Coming in 2010, Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson bring you the Dune prequel novel to end all Dune prequel novels, “The Sand Dunes of Dune.”

You’ve all noticed the sand dunes of Dune. Dune is nothing is not filled with sand dunes. But what is the story of these sand dunes. What fierce passions shaped them? What mortal struggles shook them to the core? And what terrible secrets still lurk deep beneath the feverishly hot sand dunes of Dune?

Award winning writers Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson continue their quest to solve the world’s energy problems by making Frank Herbert turn a full quarter mile inside his grave, with “The Sand Dunes of Dune”. Go back in time to a time before Dune was full of sand dunes. Where did all the sand in the dunes of Dune come from? What is its history and what hopeless destiny lies in its future? What are its thoughts on all the cheap tie in novels that Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson have written about Dune?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson’s “The Sand Dunes of Dune” coming in 2010. And hold your breath for 2011, when Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson will release Dune 9, tentative title, “The Microscopic Microbes of Dune.”

Coming soon.

In the tradition of such highly useful books as “Make It So, Leadership Lessons from Captain Picard” and “If I’m Having a Bad Day I’ll Blow Up My Own Ship Just To Spite You, Leadership Lessons from Captain Janeway“, comes the latest self-help tome for CEO’s who have no idea what to do besides sell stock in their own companies.

Presenting, “RETREAT! Leadership Lessons from Cobra Commander!” by Cobra Commander.

Leadership tip number 1. Leadership by example is for suckers. You worked hard to get to where you were by being a crazy lunatic with a rag over his face. Don’t waste it all by making an example of yourself too. That’s what Cobra Vipers are for.

Leadership tip number 2. The perfect plan is one where the greatest possible number of things can go wrong. Ideally your plan should depend on some sort of unproven technology combined with a large scale deployment that is both expensive and unpredictable. Are you listening to me Microsoft?

Leadership tip number 3. When your plan fails, now’s the time to retreat. Even if your plan only experiences a minor setback, it’s time to retreat. Even if you’re feeling tired and achy and think you might be coming down with a cold, it’s always a safe bet to retreat.

Leadership tip number 4. Sniveling is the mark of a great man. Kick them when they’re down and beg them for mercy when they’re on the way up. That’s how you get to the top and stay there.

Leadership tip number 5. Since you’re reading this book you’re probably completely incompetent like me, the trick then is to fill your ranks with incompetent subordinates insuring that there is no one available to replace you. Of course nothing you do or plan will ever succeed, but at least your job as CEO of Comcast or Cobra Commander is safe.

Deepening their competition over the future of the gaming console, both Microsoft and Sony have announced a new generation of price cuts for the XBox 360 and the PS3. After Sony’s announcement last week that the price of the PS3 would now be lowered to negative -150 dollars, meaning that Sony will pay customers 150 dollars to take home a PS3 and do something with it, Microsoft countered by offering a negative -200 dollar price cut on the XBox 360, pricing their console at minus two hundred dollars, and additionally promising to teach customers how to use the ring of death to destroy their enemies. Microsoft’s price cut has raised further worries at Sony, which has barely managed to sell 900,000 PS3 consoles, and with its latest price cuts now loses over a 1000 dollars for every PS3 “sold”. However Sony was able to point to the vast numbers of crickets chirping in Microsoft’s retail outlets, as customers showed no interest in buying Zunes or the 12 flavors of Windows 7 (Professional, Supremely Professional, Amateur Ultimate, Mocha Java ActiveX, Professional for Stupid People, Slightly Gay Ultimate, Home Professional Ultimate, Ultimate Blue Screen Special 64 and Professional Bob ME 7). Nevertheless Sony which has not sold a single game console outside of Japan this month, has completely lost its grip on the portable music players market, and is being terrorized by a giant radioactive lizard; could take small comfort in Microsoft’s woes. Nevertheless Sony executives gathered together in secret talks planning a rumored -250 price cut to the Sony PS3. Meanwhile Nintendo announced its 100 millionth Wii sold.

Luckily for us we at Space Ramblings managed to score an interview with legendary and award winning game designer Peter Molyneux about his upcoming game Shoe. Peter Molyneux remains one of the most fascinating game designers out there so we were happy to sit down and chat with him about his shoes or Shoe as it may be.

SR: So Shoe, a deceptively simple name for a great game?

PM: Absolutely. But the simple is also great. Like the shoe.

SR: So Peter, what is Shoe like as a game?

PM: Shoe will change games, it will change gaming, it will change how you even think of games. After playing Shoe you will look at ordinary games and wonder what they are. You will look at game consoles and be unable to connect them with game playing.

SR: So basically Shoe will make you retarded?

PM: Parts of you. Only parts of you. The parts of you that are cynical and unable to connect with a spiritually more aware world.

SR: And that covers 90 percent of me. Okay so in Peter Molyneux’s Shoe, do you play a Shoe, are you on a quest for Shoes? Is your main character called Shoe?

PM: No, no. you are not getting the big picture. Shoe is meant to make you think of shoes in a whole new light. How do you see shoes now?

SR: As well something I wear on my feet.

PM: And that is all wrong. Have you ever thought that shoes could be your friends?

SR: Generally not.

PM: Have you ever connected emotionally with your shoes?

SR: I’m not French, so no.

PM: Peter Molyneux’s Shoe will change all that. It will create an intimate emotional connection between you and your shoes.

SR: So this game will turn people into shoe fetishists?

PM: That is the narrow minded American in you talking. Shoe will elevate your understanding, it will enable you to view your world from the world of a shoe.

SR: Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Do you play a shoe in the game?

PM: If you choose to, you can play a shoe.

SR: What else can you play?

PM: Anything you want!

SR: Oh come on. Just tell me what the game is about already.

PM: It’s about your soul!

SR: Oh crap.

PM: Have you ever woken in the middle of the night from a strange dream believing that you had no friends left in the world only to discover that your only true friend is your shoe?

SR: Is this how you get all your ideas?

PM: Shoe is about a quest but the quest is already complete before you begin it. You can do anything you want in Shoe.

SR: Can you fly in Shoe?

PM: If you decide to, yes.

SR: Can you scuba dive in Shoe?

PM: If you imagine it, you can imagine doing it.

SR: I see. Can you return Shoe for a refund?

PM: Regrettably not in the real world, but you can imagine returning it for a refund which is even more satisfying.

SR: Well this has been fun, in an awkward and painful sort of way. Peter Molyneux’s Shoe, coming to a GameStop’s discount bin near you. It involves shoes in some way.

PM: And the human soul.

SR: Shut up.

Thank you ladies, gentlemen, inbred nobility and assorted other creatures,

The Empire’s situation is very grave indeed. The entire continent is overrun by freakishly huge rats and oddly aggressive crabs. Not only is the Emperor dead, but the population of Cyrodil appears to have dwindled to about several hundred people, of which about ten percent are actually Bandits, Daedra worshipers and members of the Dark Brotherhood or talking upright walking cats.

This is a serious situation as we cannot possibly hope to maintain any kind of functioning Imperial capital with so few people. Our average city barely has two dozen people, half of whom are guards. It’s hard to tell what makes our cities into cities rather than towns or villages, except our willingness to be deluded into thinking that a high wall and a big cathedral surrounding a dozen houses and four shops is somehow a city rather than a tiny village. Meanwhile what little villages we have left have turned into underground people who worship primordial evil beings, which is just bad for everyone.

Recently it has also been brought to my attention that every single fort on Cyrodil is deserted and filled with the undead. With only one city standing between Morrowind and the Imperial City, Morrowind could easily overrun us in a matter of days, if they only had more than a thousand or so people themselves to spare for an invasion.

This population shortage also puts Cyrodil’s traditional native industries, such as selling looted weapons, paying ridiculous prices for pieces of flowers that can be easily picked and hunting through ghost and skeleton filled temples, at great risk. Additionally Cyrodil no longer has any mines, only derelict mines.

At this point I’m not even sure why Oblivion is bothering to invade us, they could probably just wait a generation for us to die off on our own, since we don’t actually have any children and aside from Vampires and Orcs, we consist of species that cannot and should not reproduce together.

Nevertheless I would like to commend those who keep the Arena matches going, diminishing what little population we have, particularly the part of it that can actually hold a sword. Also to the inventor of Ardorks’ Unremovable Underwear which is responsible for our population problem and lack of children, your attempt to preserve morality may have doomed us all, but it was still a noble gesture.

Thank you all, and I’m moving to High Rock.

Liveblogging things is very popular (obnoxious) now and more and more reporters are jumping on board by liveblogging everything from movies to funerals to movie funerals. This interesting (annoying) trend has caused the attention of editors (clueless nitwits) and publishers (desperate clueless nitwits) eager to provide a new form of content (desperate to keep the kids from going somewhere else) for the reading public (old people).

That’s why we’ve decided to do you a service (disservice) by liveblogging Oblivion.

Just began playing… oh man Patrick Stewart got really fat 12:29 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so the Emperor is running for his life, naturally he wants to stay and chat with a condemned prisoner 12:33 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Giant rats, why is it always giant rats? Why can’t it be giant hamsters or giant hedgehogs. Giant hedgehogs would be so much scarier. 12:43 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Another stupid quest. Great. Does anyone in Cyrodil even have jobs or just quests? 12:42 PM March 11, 2008 from web

A side effect of the Daedra invasion is that everyone got fat making their faces look like dough. I thought it was just Patrick Stewart. Let’s call it a plague, or just download the Natural Faces mod. 12:53 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so now the Emperor’s bastard monk son will lead the Empire even though his only experience is being a monk. I’m not seeing a good outcome here. 12:55 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Stop telling me how good I am with a blade. I never even promised to call you. 1:05 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Would it really be wrong if I just hijacked one of these ships to Morrowind in search of a better game? 1:12 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Yes I know I’m good with a blade. Here’s a demonstration. Yes I will resist arrest. 1:18 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so I’m a wanted fugitive and a vampire but on the up side I get to kill everyone who says something stupid to me, which in this game is everyone. Radiant AI, take this! 1:23 AM March 11, 2008 from web

That’s right, the Emperor is dead. And you’re next! 1:35 AM March 11, 2008 from web

So when is GTA IV coming out for PC anyway? 1:41 AM March 11, 2008 from web

5. Bardon’s Revenge of Fury by David Drake and David Webber - First they blew up his planet, then they blew up his galaxy and then they blew up his starship. But that was their last mistake. Now Jon Bardon, mercenary with a grudge, and former Imperial Commando of the Secret Space Guards is after the Ap’Rij’hit Ra’none and nothing will stand in his way including an alien armada, bounty hunters, a seductive Imperial princess and his ex-wife who is now the Empress or something. Let the fury begin!

4. Applebee’s Elves by Jody Lynn Nye and Sarah A. Hoyt - When Emmie Winston who has believed all her life in elves discovers elves working at her local Applebee’s she is delighted and her 13 cats are even more delighted. But the presence of evil land developers who want to turn the Applebee’s into a nuclear power plant because they hate mother nature is a threat to the discovery of the secret of the elves. Also one of the elves might be a secret prince or something.

3. Russkies of the American Empire by S.M. Stirling - When Mike Barton, forest ranger formerly in the Gulf War, stumbles through an unexplained doorway into an alternate universe where the Russians colonized Russia and turned it into a vast Gulag full of Indians, there’s only one thing for him to do, lead the Indian tribes in a rebellion against their Russky overlords. Also for some reason in this universe fire and friction based weapons doesn’t work requiring Mike to invent an entire technology based on ice.

2. Smash the Space Bastards from Orion! by Eric Flint, John Ringo and Dave Freer - What if dinosaurs ruled the universe except on earth? Also what if they could use magic? Now imagine a dinosaur galactic empire based on magic battling humans in technological starships who are the only race in the galaxy on whom magic doesn’t work. Also imagine that in a last ditch effort to stop humanity the evil space dinosaurs go back in time to the age of the Vikings requiring Captain John Mistletoe USN to ally with the Vikings of the 4th century to destroy the dinosaur space menace once and for all. Also Captain John Mistletoe is blind but he has a really smart psychic seeing eye dog. Imagine that!

1. The Imaginary Brigade by Mercedes Lackey and Lois McMaster Bujold - When the International Space Station explodes sending researcher Diane Crawford back in time to the Age of Atlantis when wizards use magic, she discovers that the most powerful magic of all is love, and also crystals. But will it be enough to save Atlantis from the elves and their fearsome Imaginary Brigade that doesn’t exist? Can Diane go back to the present after discovering her magical abilities? Can you think of a reason for buying this novel? Yes, you’re still only thirteen.

I know I’m not really supposed to say anything and it’s probably a really impolite thing to say but honestly I find your hell dimension really underwhelming. I mean I get what you’re going for, but the problem it’s the thing that everyone else is going for and that evil Playboy Mansion furnished by Alistair Crowley look with assorted bits of interior design from Ozzy Osbourne is just downright tacky.

Let’s get right down to it. I understand you probably can’t do anything about the sky and with that red was the obvious motif, but why limit yourself to just one color. I know that you’re trying to convey blood but most people are more likely to associate your shade of red with Coca Cola or Little Orphan Annie, because we don’t spend all our time wading knee deep in human organs. And that’s another thing, what all the corpses say to me is just bad housekeeping and that’s only terrifying to housekeepers and old maids. If you can’t even be bothered to clean up the place, how seriously am I supposed to take your inhuman organization in the first place? Even our own government cleans up after themselves, you don’t see giant piles of corpses littering the Pentagon now do you? All that a mess like this says is disorganization and your disorganization isn’t scaring anyone.

Also all the mysterious writing in an unreadable script isn’t really terrifying, even though it’s written in blood, because I can’t read what it says. It might be more frightening if I could read it and it said something scary, instead for all I know it probably says your dimension’s equivalent of NO PARKING HERE and NO SPITTING IN THE CORNERS. Finally could we get a few chairs in here. I mean you people must sit somewhere. You have the anatomy for it or enough of the anatomy for it. Let’s put in a sofa and a couch, hell you can even make it red, just try not to stick spikes on it.

Apparently you get Gorgo, the Monster from the Sea.

I don’t know about you but Gorgo’s heart doesn’t really seem to be in it. The dinosaur part of him is slavering, but the sheep part of him just wants to do some grazing. That’s just what happens when you cross a dinosaur and a sheep. The dinosaur part of him wants to smash people in revenge for portraying his species as a bunch of happy go lucky purple pals who dance and sing to raise money for PBS, while the sheep part of him just wants to graze in a green field, while making ironic observations about UFO’s. This of course leaves Gorgo torn between two worlds, and two destinies. On the other hand being burned with a flamethower has yet to put anyone in a good mood.

But it figures that Japan would get the cool monsters, while any monster that attacks the UK has to have a horrid but unmistakable resemblance to Prince Charles. Even British monsters can’t help being inbred and sardonic, while of course boasting truly terrible teeth. There’s no help for it but for the UK to fall back on American and Japanese monster imports. Not if the scariest thing they can come up with is a reptilian thirty meter Prince Charles, which I’ll grant you is fairly scary indeed on a day to day basis, but just doesn’t cause people to flee for the hills or bring out the flame throwers. Though maybe it should.

These days Battlestar Galactica is a very popular SciFi TV series among people who don’t watch TV or read SciFi. That means everyone wants to write their own Battlestar Galactica episode. The question is how, but the answer is very simple. First take a piece of paper, write down your favorite things about the show and then crumple it in a little ball and put it in your mouth. Ron Moore should receive your pitch in six to eight weeks.

But to be serious for a picosecond, writing a Battlestar Galactica episode is very easy for those who haven’t tried it. All you need to do is break down your episode into the same exact elements that every other Battlestar Galactica episode has.

Let’s get started

1. A regular or recurring character experiences a drinking binge or a crisis of faith that causes him or her to question his or her beliefs while engaging in senseless and self-destructive behavior.

2. An extended armed standoff takes place between armed individuals or starships in which no one but a minor supporting character dies to milk some pathos out of the moment.

3. Someone has a vision, consisting of music, scenes from previous visions and no explanation for any of it.

4. Several Cylons or humans or both talk about how depressed they are and wonder if life has any meaning at all.

5. Adama and an unstated number of characters brood significantly while staring at A) Space B) A bulkhead C) Their own palm D) BSG’s last remaining audience

Now that you have these 5 vital elements in place, it’s easy to assemble your episode. Just plug in whatever names you feel comfortable with.

Let me set it up for you…

__________ experiences a crisis of faith after ____________ and winds up _________ to ______________. Meanwhile the ___________ faces an armed standoff with _____________ even as _____________ experiences further visions causing him\her to question whether ______________ is even real. Also ____________ broods a lot.

Feel free to plug anything in there, it’ll still be considered visionary no matter what you insert in there. For example

Chief _ experiences a crisis of faith after _ catching a cold from a nebula ___ and winds getting drunk to __a wind farm. Meanwhile the ___ bulkhead __ faces an armed standoff with ___ Hera ___ even as __someone___ experiences further visions causing him\her to question whether __teddy bear___ is even real. Also ___Adama__ broods a lot.

Congratulations you’ve written your first Battlestar Galactica episode. Now crumple it up and stick it in your mouth. Ron Moore will be sure to receive your pitch in 6 to 8 weeks.

There are three E’s in Heisenberg. Five E’s in Werner Heisenberg. The variant principle distinguishing the three E’s of Heisenberg and the five E’s of Werner Heisenberg depend on such variables as formality and formal knowledge. The placement of the E’s of Heisenberg are fairly straightforward, yet attempting to place with absolute certainty the position of each and every one of the E’s of Heisenberg can cause you to run straight into the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle has 5 E’s. This is however of no particular relevance to the matter. What the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle defines is that we can know the number of E’s in Heisenberg, yet never know the exact position of each E in Heisenberg at a given time. This can result in spelling Heisenberg as Hiesenberg or Heesenberg or Hiesenbeerg as many Swedes are wont to do. The more our focus turns to the E’s in Heisenberg, curiously our ability to actually spell Heisenberg with the correct placement of E’s diminishes. This is an unfortunate yet inevitable byproduct of the universe (2 E’s) and its lack of tolerance for stupid people.

1. Harry Knowles Aint It Cool News review of Blade II. If you haven’t ever read it consider yourself very lucky and don’t go looking for it. Unless you’re tired of living.

2. Any movie made by Uwe Boll. This also extends to anyone making fun of movies by Uwe Boll. Broad side of a barn. Target.

3. Taking LSD at a Thomas Kinkade exhibition. Visions of hell would be a vast improvement.

4. Waking up to Ward Churchill on WBAI. Second worst way to wake up never, not involving a penguin.

5. Anime fans talking about anything involving Anime.

6. Battlestar Galactica montages set to mournful music. Why can’t the Cylons just kill them all already.

7. Riker shaving his beard in a tub

8. Any TV show involving a fat slob married to a former model

9. Brits complaining about the US TV reworking of The Office. Did we complain about Coupling? Shut up. Besides you’ll find there are people on Planet Earth who expect more from a TV show than 13 episodes in 2 years. They’re called Americans. They make most of the TV you watch. The preceding is the reason for it.

10. Lexx. Enough said.

If you’ve got anything to add to the list, sing out with it or remain forever in shut the hell up land.

Personally I discovered Babylon 5 in a garbage can.

I was just in my front yard when I noticed an odd stench coming from a trash can. Curious I lifted the lid and behold, there was Babylon 5! At first I tried to pour pine scent on it to kill the smell but clearly Babylon 5 was rotting from the inside and the smell just wouldn’t die.

I tried to pick up Babylon 5 and throw it in my neighbor’s trash but it was slimy and slippery and I just couldn’t hold on to it. That morning I checked the garbage and the trash men had left it in the can, it seems that even the sanitation engineers couldn’t stand Babylon 5.

I was desperate and quickly running out of options. Finally it hit me, I took the can to a comic book store and instantly I was overwhelmed by hundreds of 5 foot 3 geeks covered in zits desperately fighting over Babylon 5. I held an auction and sold Babylon 5 to them for 18 dollars, 64 cents and 3 issues of Gorkman, Duck Killer. After that I sold them some old newspaper and a crate of spoiled eggs too that were in the can and that is how I discovered Babylon 5!

With the news out that Ridley Scott will be producing and directing a futuristic adaptation of the Parker Brothers (really Hasbro or whoever owns Hasbro now) board game Monopoly, Space Ramblings has a unique sneak peek at the script for Monopoly 2020.

Monopoly 2020 will be directed by Ridley Scott with a script from Charlie Kaufman starring Anthony Hopkins as The Monopolist, a wealthy gentleman of means who finds himself pitted in a soulless economic competition to monopolize land, only to discover that he is a character in a mysterious game being played by The Players.

Monopoly 2020 also reunites Ridley Scott once again with Russell Crowe as the mysterious Boot, a lost man with nothing to live for, imprisoned in jail for passing Go, a crime he did not commit. Can The Monopolist and The Boot discover who The Players are? Also there are a lot of flying cars. And mutants who drive the flying cars. And in the end we discover the whole thing is only a board game playing itself.

10. The Curious George Mod - After a long session of glue sniffing and a four page discussion thread on the official Oblivion forums, finally a mod that sticks every character in a long yellow coat. May involve some clipping with horses, weapons, cities and other gear.

9. Redneck Daedra - This Mod turns every Daedra into a hillbilly accompanied by grunting sound effects, caged pigs and names for sections of Oblivion such as, “Billy Bob’s Moonshine Saloon” and “NASCAR Oblivion Racetrack.”

8. Gold Coins to Dollars Mod - This Mod turns gold coins into dollars resulting in a constantly falling value for your money. Better buy that Elven mace or Advanced Life Detect spell fast because it will cost twice as much a month from now.

7. Gay Oblivion - Guards follow you around everywhere making constant comments about how muscular you are and how well you can handle a blade. No actual Mod needed.

6. Goblins to Congressmen - If you’re bored of killing Goblins, this Mod transforms the Goblins of Cyrodil into current US Congressmen through some sort of wacky time portal. Not recommended for people already under investigation by the authorities.

5. Drunk Mod - If you want the fun of staggering drunk through Grand Theft Auto IV but in Oblivion, this Mod will let you get legally and illegally drunk. Avoid driving horses under the influence.

4. More Annoying Oblivion - More leveling, more giant rats, more copycat dungeons, more annoying characters pestering you!! Moar annoying Oblivion more! Also comes with Lolcats.

3. Ron Paul Oblivion - You play a heroic elderly gynecologist on a quest to convince the foolish Imperial authorities to go back to the “Beads of String” standard and re-enslave the Argonians and Khajit.

2. The Good Oblivion Mod - Here’s your copy of The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind. Enjoy it.

1. Jib Jab Oblivion - Now that’s more like a real hell.

Hulk liking this so far. Hulk smash! Hulk smash many things! Hulk smash walls! Hulk smash bins! Hulk smash office furniture! Hulk so angry he is so happy! Hulk do more smashing! Hulk throw robot at helicopter! Hulk throw desk at wall! Hulk smash and throw stuff! Wait Paragon? What is Paragon, Hulk not understand. Go do what? Hulk not your errand boy. Quantum bombs? Hulk not understand what you talking about.

Look this pretty simple, Hulk explain it to you. Hulk smash stuff. Hulk not go on mission, Hulk not disarm Quantum bombs, Hulk not carry around lazy skinny shrimp to disarm Quantum bombs. That is not what Hulk do. Hulk smash stuff. Hulk not do much more than smash stuff and maybe accidentally rescue people along way. That is Hulk ethos. That is Hulk way. No stop calling Hulk on cell phone. Hulk not even have shirt. Hulk not even have shoes. Hulk somehow keep pants, shop at Big and Tall store, why Hulk have cell phone.

Hulk get irradiated to escape workday grind. Now Hulk working harder than ever. Hulk even riding the subway. How Hulk even get into subway station, no one explain that to Hulk. Okay, Hulk destroy half of Manhattan, but stop Quantum bombs, whatever those is. Not Hulk’s problem. No more missions now. Fine one more mission, Hulk find GameStop, smash GameStop, smash game designers, smash game producer, Hulk insure no one makes stupid misguided game like this about Hulk ever again.

With talk that Ghostbusters 3, the Duke Nukem of movie sequels, is being prepped again with two Office writers and possibly Harold Ramis and a mention by Ramis that he would love for Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow to be involved, we can but try to imagine what a Judd Apatow produced Ghostbusters 3 would be like.

Peter Venkman played by James Franco, Ray played by Seth Rogen, Egon Spengler played by McLovin, Winston played by some random guy with even less dignity are four slackers living in their parent’s basement who pretend to be medical doctors in order to trick local waitresses into letting them give them unlicensed medical exams. When they have a vision of a giant green glowing ectoplasmic vagina that expects them to make a commitment, they load up their bongs into backpacks on their backs and use the power of their weed to drive it away, in between finding new ways to combine yelling the words Vagina, Dick and Donkey Punch at the screen.

Oh also Ray is retarded in this version and there’s a huge homoerotic subtext and no love interest. (Can you imagine Sigourney Weaver or any strong woman in a Judd Apatow movie, that’s like imagining Samuel L. Jackson in Birth of a Nation, it just doesn’t fit.) At some point Ramis and Akroyd will guest star as two pot dealers. Throw in some bodily fluid jokes and some girls as objects and we’ve got a perfectly retarded Judd Apatow box office triumph. Hey with Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet, this could happen too.

SR: Hi Troy, thanks for giving us this chance to talk to you.

TO: Please kill me!

SR: Excuse me?

TO: I can’t live like this anymore, they keep us in a small cage and only let us out late at night to fix mistakes that the Beta testers found. And the Beta testers are chimps!

SR: Wait a minute, are you saying that Space Chips the game is being Beta tested by actual chimps. That’s so ironic.

TO: No it’s not ironic you idiot. Why doesn’t anyone since Alanis Morissette know what ironic is. And it’s not ironic, I spend all my time in a cage being hand fed power bars and mountain dew. Help me escape!

SR: What kind of original gameplay will Space Chips offer gamers? Are you thinking of integrating a sandbox model?

TO: Space Chips was mostly programmed by renegade Latvian Hackers. It’s just Transformers with the robot models and textures replaced by chimps. In space. Now slip a lockpick through the bars.

SR: Do you think fans of Space Chips the movie will embrace Space Chimps the game?

TO: Fans of Space Chimps the movie? Are you crazy. There is no such thing.

SR: They have a website.

TO: They do not. I live locked in a cage in my own filth and I still know that.

SR: Was it really challenging bringing Space Chimps the movie into video game format? Do you think you managed to be faithful to the themes and ideas of the original movie.

TO: To anyone out there who’s listening, my name is Troy Owens, I was kidnapped from my family and thrown into the back of a locked van while still at work on the code for The Sims 2 Rock and Roll expansion. For the last six months I’ve been locked in a tiny cage and forced to work on Space Chimps, a game I don’t even believe exists anymore. If you’re reading this please come and help me.

SR: Space Chimps the game. Will it be any good or not? Wait for the Space Ramblings review to be sure.